“She had just realized there were two things that prevent us from achieving our dreams: believing them to be impossible or seeing those dreams made possible by some sudden turn of the wheel of fortune, when you least expected it. For at that moment, all our fears suddenly surface: the fear of setting off along a road heading who knows where, the fear of a life full of new challenges, the fear of losing forever everything that is familiar.”

― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym

If you shut up truth and bury it under the ground, it will but grow, and gather to itself such explosive power that the day it bursts through it will blow up everything in its way.

EMILE ZOLA

I was chatting with a friend a few months ago and had a great conversation about the word “busy”. Here is my take, let’s stop using that word.

When we ask “Are you busy?” we really don’t care if someone is busy. We are just too polite to ask the question we want to ask.

• Are you successful?
• Do you have clients?
• Can my needs be more important than yours?
• Are you doing your job?
• I need help.

In the same respect, when we say “I am busy”, we really aren’t trying to convey how busy we are. We are too polite to say what is really going on.

• I am overwhelmed.
• I have no work life balance.
• I need to feel important.
• I am doing my job.
• I need help.

We live in a culture that views “busy” as a good thing. Busy = productive (despite every study showing this isn’t the case). So again, I suggest we all stop using the word busy and start using the words that we really want that word to mean.

During the last two months, I started attending a Mindful Based Stress Reduction course, which focuses on meditation and mindfulness. Here is what I ultimately got out of the course.

1. An appreciation for silence. We spent anywhere from 30-1 hour meditating. I realized silence is never silent for me; it is rather loud. It gave me the chance to know I needed to stop staring at my phone all the time and be present wherever I was at. I still look at my phone; I just do it less.

2. An understanding of the Stress Reactivity Triangle. Stress has had the potential to trigger panic attacks in my life. Understanding the Stress Reactivity Triangle has significantly impacted how often that happens. Understanding how to react to stress and being methodical in stopping it has had an enormous impact. Here is an excellent article about it: https://lnkd.in/gjVgHvp9

3. An understanding of empathy for myself and others. We are calm, collected, and have it all together to the outside world. Yet, in private, we are all going through a lot. Being mindful of this, especially right now, can go a long way in relationships, interactions, and understanding.

I remember when my friend Jill asked me how many users we had. I was so embarrassed by the question. At that point in my journey, the only companies I had to compare user base numbers to were companies like Facebook and Twitter, and compared to those numbers; mine was insignificant. I quietly mumbled 60,000 and looked away. 60,000 users for a website about digital scrapbooking who had built that community with organic traffic and out-of-the-box thinking.

I have learned since that conversation, one of our biggest enemies is comparing ourselves to others. Whether it is comparing ourselves to other entrepreneurs or other companies, it is self-defeating and, worse, usually not a realistic comparison. I was a bootstrapped company, with a narrow niche and 60,000 was a damn good number.

You are unique and one-of-a-kind. Never stop trying to improve and keep in mind that because you are unique, the comparison is impossible.

I’m teaching my kids to understand how much their time is worth.

If I make $10/hour at a job, my time is worth $10.

If I go out to lunch and it is $10, that means I have to work for an entire hour to pay for it.

If I buy new shoes for $100, that means I have to work for 10 hours to pay for those shoes.

We lose sight of how much our time is worth. Once you know that number, it changes your view of the world. It is a number that reminds you that your “free time” is never free. It is a reminder that sometimes it is more financially sound to delegate out tasks that someone else could do faster.

It is a reminder of the importance of prioritizing your goals and the tasks that go with them.

un·der·rep·re·sent

ˌəndə(r)ˌreprəˈzent/

verb

past tense: underrepresented; past participle: underrepresented

1. provide with insufficient or inadequate representation.“women are underrepresented at high levels”

When I googled this definition, the irony of the reason why I looked for it compared to the example was not lost on me.

Women are underrepresented at high levels.

This weekend I decided to have fun.  Unlike the 99% of the normal world, who a weekend off having fun means playing golf or sitting by the pool, I went to Startup Weekend.  There is nothing normal about that.  I never represented myself as normal though nor have I ever been accused of being that, so there is no self degradation in saying “I am not normal”.  I wasn’t for sure I wanted to go.  We had been running non-stop the last month and the idea of staying home and snuggling with the kids sounded favorable.  Add to it that my allergies were giving me some wicked bad vertigo issues (the kind that makes the world spin any time you bend or lower your head), I was in a sorry state.  But I wanted to go, because like I said.. that is how I have fun.

This is the 3rd Startup Weekend that I have attended.  My first was in 2012, where my sweet friend Amber Pankonin won for Stirlist.  In 2013, I was blessed to work with the team that came in First place, led by the very talented Ali Schwanke.  Underrepresented was a depressing reality at both of those events.  I don’t know the exact stats, but there were less than a handful of women at either of these functions.   Despite being sorely underrepresented, the women who did participate were rock stars and beat out the majority male counterparts to take 1st place.  Girl power rocks!

I want to say this up front.  Thank you Shane Reiser.  I have no doubt that through your actions and determination, you successfully changed the example of “underrepresented” at this years Startup Weekend.  I also know that the work being done by Shonna Dorsey with the Interface School and Sumeet Jain with Omaha Code School has had a huge impact as well.  So flat out, Thank you.

The number representing this years Startup Weekend was amazing.  Incredible.  It wasn’t the full 50/50 that they were hoping for, but it was pretty damn close.  What was even more incredible, out of the 20 teams that were picked and gave final pitches, 12 teams had at least one woman on their team, and in several cases, more than one.  The team I was a part of had 6.  Six women and Adam (you rock Adam)!

I suppose to the general public, who isn’t familiar with the idea of the underrepresented, wouldn’t think twice about seeing a room full of women and men.  But for those of us in the tech world, the turn out this weekend was an incredible accomplishment.  When you compare it to past Startup Weekends here in Nebraska, this becomes even more apparent.

And what is even more incredible?  The team that won was yet again lead by an inspirational woman, Jen Homann.  (And fortune fell upon me once again and gave me the opportunity to work with this team).

We hear a lot about the exclusion and harassment of women within the tech world.  I wanted to make sure to write a story that showcased the exact opposite.  I feel that this needs to be shouted from the rooftops and applauded by every single person in the community.  The results of who attended was neither a coincidence nor an accident, those facilitating this event worked pretty damn hard to created an environment that welcomed both men and women, and that isn’t an easy task to accomplish.  So thank you for making this weekend a really incredible weekend to be a part of.

Now for the narcissistic side of me.

I am going to acknowledge this.  I am not the woman I was at the first Startup Weekend I attended.  I can’t even put into the words on exactly what that means, what has changed, what has been discarded and reattached.  That woman.. That Stacy… she was a glimmer of who I am now.  I’m still an introvert.  I still hate to be the center of attention.  I still stumble at small talk and social networking, but I get through all those things because I know that there is a incredible prize at the end.  Confidence.  Courage.  Determination.  Inner happiness.

I have no shame sitting here typing these words out because I have earned them. It has nothing to do with being on a winning team.  It does, however, have everything to do with my unwavering belief that I can and will do anything I set my mind to.  It does have everything to do with the incredible mentors surrounding and cheering for me on a daily basis.  Those who have my back and trusting me to have theirs.  I think my goal in life has always been “do good so that you can inspire someone else to do the same”.  I finally feel like I am doing that.  That no matter the crap you have had in your past.  No matter how beaten down and discouraged you may have felt.  No matter how little faith those around you had in you… you are incredible.. you just have to find the courage to let it shine.

By the grace of God.  I picked myself back up.  I put one foot in front of the other and I looked in the mirror and decided to stay.

I saw the advertisements go out.  2015 nMotion Accelerator program… apply now.  That got me thinking.  It has been about 6 months since I stood in front of a crowd of 400 people for demo day.  6 months since I graduated from an accelerator and leaped feet first back into life.

I wrote about what I had learned about the accelerator right after demo day here.  As I re-read that post, I realized that I have had some other revelations since then.  Life altering ones for me.

1. Get over yourself. It’s still not about you.

I have had the opportunity to talk to a lot of entrepreneurs since the accelerator about customer development calls.  Some seasoned, some new, but all with the misconception that they need to walk into the customer development call with a script that will dictate exactly what is asked and there will be no deviation from the script.  There is no script folks.  There is one question.  Your first question.  You ask that question and you follow the rabbit down the hole to see where he takes you.  You can’t control that rabbit, he is free to go, do and say what he wants.  Your customer is that rabbit and the more you restrict his freedom to give you the insight you really need to hear, the more you will lose the race.

2.  Everything that is… is

If you exit your accelerator and get funding quickly, GREAT.  Congratulations.  You deserve a huge pat on your back!  If you, like many before you, exit the accelerator and funding is as elusive as Big Foot, well, prepare yourself for the 7 stages of grief.  I went through it.  I screamed with shock and stomped my feet in denial.  My heart ached and I questioned my commitment and kept thinking I just didn’t work hard enough.  I grew angrier and angrier and would have made a deal with the devil had he offered.  I mapped out where the newest crossroad was, but didn’t have the energy to drive that far.  The sadness set in.  I started withdrawing from friends and family and it finally sets in that this is… what it is.  You start to make a plan B, because everyone should have a plan B (and C and D and E) and eventually you have a plan.  Bootstrapping, borrowing from friends and family, moving on and trying something else.  Whatever it is, you will need to feel the 7 stages of grief to get there.

3.  Respect thy mentor

If I can tell you one thing, it is this.  STOP BEING LATE TO EVERYTHING!  It is not cute.  It is not hip.  It is not acceptable.  It is rude.  It is wasting other’s time.  It is irresponsible.  Even worse… when you are late to meet a mentor.  I’ve had the opportunity to mentor several people since the accelerator and some are prompt and courteous and I love that group.  But there are others who have found it acceptable to be late to appointments or worse, just blow them off completely.  Your mentors time is valuable.  You have been given an opportunity and privilege to be mentored by them.  Show them and their time respect.  Know that you want to ask them when you get together and be on time.  Don’t do these things, you may find that your mentor just doesn’t have the time for you anymore.

4.  You will grow

Recently, I went back and watched the video that I submitted for the accelerator and I cringed.  My friend, who did not know me at that time, watched with me and was a little taken aback at the person in that video.  I was petrified.  Scared.  Timid.  Mortified.  I wanted to turn off the camera and say “this isn’t worth it”.

I’m not that person anymore.  I have grown so much, personally, emotionally, professionally.  I’m still growing.  But I will never be that girl in the video again.  No 7 stages of grief on that revelation.

This last week, I was reminded of a dirty little secret. I am a girl. I was put into a situation where something was presented to me in a way that I found offensive. It was done by someone highly respected, admired and sought after for their mentoring skills. It was an unfortunate situation that left me in a very unfortunate position.

I’m not going to go into what the situation was or how I decided to handle it, because I think both of those things are personal things and the way I handled it would be different from others and I don’t want to outline that there is a right or wrong way of handling it.

I recently read this article and it really resonated with me.

So what should be done? To make the tech scene fairer and more respectful of women, Lawrence believes technology literacy must be integrated into all public education, starting with pre-kindergarten. “When girls are exposed early to technology, we increase the likelihood that they will pursue careers in those fields,” she says.

First, let me say that I don’t understand why schools are not already moving in this direction. This isn’t even a “girl” thing. It is an economic disaster thing. According to CODE2040, whose goal is to encourage more black and latino youth into the tech field….

STEM (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics) jobs are the fastest-growing category of jobs in the United States, and 70% of those jobs involve computing.
Computer science jobs command some of the highest starting salaries in the US: $77,000 per year — about twice the median household income of a Black or Latino family.
The unemployment rate for STEM workers is lower than for all workers; the unemployment rate for African-Americans and Latinos is 3x the nationwide rate.
Software developers are in demand: at the current rate we are graduating computer scientists, there will be 1MM software jobs unfilled by 2020.
Fewer than 4% of Black and Latino students study computer science and only 1 in 14 technical employees in the tech hub of Silicon Valley is Black or Latino.
The US will be majority-minority in the year 2040, and 42% of the country will be Black or Latino.
Computers are eating the world, and we will not have enough people to tame the monster. So, why are computer programming classes only offered in 11th grade in my local school district? A grade point where social biases have already been formed? Girls can’t program. If you do program, you’re a nerd. And the door for minorities just never opens because they have even fewer role models telling them that it is a viable option.

So, when I read the article, it screamed out at me (but it screamed “fairer and more respectful to everyone). We need this to happen. We need technology literacy integrated before social biases, norms, labels or prejudice would ever be formed. We need each child to be so used to seeing everyone around them working on computers so that the phrase “You’re a nerd” means something totally different. Where “girls can’t do that” is eradicated, because obviously they can because they have been doing it since kindergarten. Where minorities have teachers and mentors who are visiting the schools on a regular basis showing them that it is a viable option. This isn’t just about girls. It is about our future, men, women, white, black, Latino and everything else in between.

I have no judgement on working mothers, mothers who stay home, mothers who work from home, long distance working mothers, overnight working mothers, or any kind of mother here or there or anywhere.  We all decide what kind of mother we are going to be based on our own childhood biases, fears, and the guilty and pressures that we feel that society may or may not be shoving onto our shoulders.  Some mothering decisions are out of our control and are borne out of necessity.  I have no reason to judge because their shoes are not mine.

The mother I needed to be was based on selfish inner needs.  I needed to be the one that took care of them.  I needed to be seen as the one who took responsibility of their daily care and needs and didn’t rely on the outside world to take over that role.  I was so passionate about this role, that I know I created barriers with those around me regarding time the kids would spend with others based on never wanting to be seen as the “ditch the kids” kind of mom.

So, for the last 12 years, I have built a world that surrounded this selfish need.  I created a business that allowed me the luxury of working from home.  I structured my goals, my dreams, my ambitions around the need to be the parent who never asked for help.  My kids are good kids.  They are well rounded, well liked, sweet and caring children who are strong, independent and magical additions to this world.

But as I built this world, I slowly realized that this was only part of the example I wanted my children to see. I wanted them to see the mother who loved them unconditionally but I also needed them to see a mother who had more goals, ambitions, dreams, that did not revolve around the very move of each child.  I needed to them to see a level of independence, determination and accomplish that being a mother doesn’t always present.  I wanted them to see me taking chances and living up to the words I constantly told them… “You can be whatever you want to be”.

This year is the beginning of a huge journey down a rolly polly roundabout upside down Alice in Wonderland kind of life.  I’m starting a second business, that will ultimately take more time then I could have ever imagined and that will change the entire dynamics of our family.  I have to ask for help from family.  I have to give over control that I have so tightly held onto for so long and entrust in others the deepest level of trust I could have in another.  I have to take a step back so that everything flows into logical understanding.  And that … all of that is really hard.  I cry.  I cry when my son says “Mommy, does your new job let you have a day off?” because in his head, he thinks I’m going to be working 24/7 and when you look into his eyes, you can see the hopefulness hidden behind his long lashes and the urgency in his body willing you to give him the affirmation that you do get days off and you will still be there for him.  I cry when I think the worse.  I feel guilt over things that haven’t even happened yet.

But there are moments where I am overcoming with honor, with pride, with happiness and confirmation that what I am doing is beneficial.  That my children can see the balance.  That they can see me as the loving, adoring mother that loves them to the moon and back and they can see me as the strong, risk taking, goal setting, leading and mentoring others in a way that is something to be held to “hero” status.

It is pretty cool to be a super hero.

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