It is absolutely no secret to my roster of friends that I am, by nature, an introvert. If I can get away with it, I am the one skimming the edges of the crowd, trying to blend in to the walls and enjoying the opportunity to watch and listen to the conversations of others. I am a thoughtful listener and tend to learn a lot just by being on those edges. However, I know that life is not lived by blending into walls, so more often then not, I have become a reluctant extrovert.
I have a moment in my life that I use to gauge how I am doing being a reluctant extrovert. I suggest that all introverts who are trying to expand into the extrovert world do this as well. Think of one moment in your life where you anxiety, fear, angst, terror was so overwhelming that it prevented you from doing something you really wanted to do, and then use that as your gauge. Here is mine.
In 2013, I attended my first Ladies Who Launch meeting. It was their first meeting ever, in The Celler here in Lincoln. To get there, you needed to go through a restaurant, down a flight of stares, through a small room into the bigger room.
7 days before the meeting… sent my RSVP and told myself that this was a GREAT opportunity!
6 days before the meeting… changed the event status on Facebook from Going to Maybe.
5 days before the meeting… changed the event status on Facebook from Maybe to No. 5 minutes later, after the huge dramatic argument I just had with myself in my head about how I had nothing to fear, changed the status back to Going.
4, 3 and 2 days before the meeting I purposely forgot that I was going to go. It was easier that way.
1 day before the meeting, the anxiety started. Back and forth I went on if I was going to go, I wasn’t going to go, I was going to go. I would go through the pros and cons in my head and talk myself into going then talk myself out of going. Yup, it is slightly manic in nature. Not the “commit me now” kind but enough to just drive you a little bit crazy.
The day of the meeting. I spent 62 hours picking out what I was going to wear (ok, it was probably only about 2 hours). This was a process of trying on a shirt, looking in the mirror and saying to myself, “Nope, to red”, take shirt off, throw it on the floor, pull on the next shirt, look in the mirror and say “Nope, makes me look to frumpy” and so on and so on. I finally picked out a shirt, blue jeans and my birks. Having worked at home for the last 8 years, this was my arsenal of working outfits. I thought I looked pretty damn good for a work at home, own my own business, trying to take over the world lady. I did my hair, slapped some makeup on and confidently walked out the door.
As I drove, my confidence got sucked out by the forces that be. I started doubting everything. Was my hair ok? My makeup? My clothes? Would I say something stupid? Will I know anyone there? What if I didn’t know anyone there? Who was I going to talk to? Who was going to be my safe place? Would I have anything in common with them? Would they say that I wasn’t a real business owner because I owned an e-commerce business? What if they laughed at me.
In the parking space. Deep breath. Look in the mirror. Tell myself YOU CAN DO THIS.
In front of the event venue. Take another deep breath. Tell myself in a smaller voice “you can do this”, open the door, walk in.
Go down the stairs. I can still do this. Get into the small room. Dead stop. Terror.
All these well dressed women. Beautiful hair. Beautiful clothes. Big smiles, wine in hand. None of them I know. None of them dressed like me, in blue jeans and birks. I can’t do this. How do I get out of this. Some are looking at me now, standing here like an idiot. I need to get out. Now. Grab my phone. Pretend to be answering a phone call. Take one last look around the room in defeat. Walk back up the stairs, out the door, to my car. Sit in the drivers seat and know that I was just defeated by myself.
Yup. That is my moment. I believe that everyone, introvert, extrovert and everything in between, have these kind of moments at some point in our lives. The most important thing about all of this is that I took my moment and used it as an example of what I would never do again and it gave me the motivation to find ways to make sure that it never happened again.
The next meeting, I asked a friend to go with me. I told her that she didn’t even have to sit with me, or even talk to me, I just needed a safe person in attendance. She gladly went with me and I reluctantly had a good time being IN the crowd instead of on the edge of it.
Over the next year, my confidence grew and I learned new tools to make things easier. I found little ways to really give the finger to my inner introvert. From volunteering to speak at different meetings around town, sitting in the front row of Big Omaha (on purpose) to pitching at Jumpstart Challenge… these are all things that I would have never of done before that first Ladies Who Launch meeting. When I have a really bad day and every inch of me is screaming that I don’t want to do a social gathering, I think back to that meeting and remind myself that I can do this. I have done this. I will do this. I will be thankful that I did do this. Most of all, I take a lot of deep breaths.
My best advice is this…
Find coping mechanisms. Before any social meeting I take a few minutes, by myself, and listen to a playlist of songs that I know inspire me. I have about 4 songs that always get me to thinking about where I have been and where I want to go. I close my eyes and let the music do what it does and breath. Build a foundation that reaffirms that this social event will not kill you and that positive comes from it.
Learn the way to start a conversation. I research people. I try to know at least one thing about them because its nice and because it helps me when I talk to them again later. It never has to be anything huge, but it does need to be something that you are not fake about talking about. I don’t talk about sports because I know nothing about sports. I do remember children, and wives and hobbies or other things that the person holds dear to them. If you don’t know them, asking them “Are you from here? is a great starter, or get even more general and ask about the weather.
Suck it up butter cup. Sometimes you just need to walk up to a total stranger, reach out your hand and confidently say “Hello, my name is Stacy Carlson and it is wonderful to meet you”.
Surround yourself with love. I love my friends and family. I have people who will give me constructive criticism and others who keep me grounded. I have some that are my go to person on business and those that are my “never talk about business” person. All of them have one thing in common; they are positive. Surround yourself with positive people. I’m not saying that they have to be positive all the time, but by nature, they need to be positive. Introverts already deal with a huge onslaught of self doubt (warranted or not). What we do not need is someone who feeds that self doubt. It sabotages everything that we are working to accomplish and demoralizes us in ways that we do not need.
Allow yourself to recharge. This is a must. After Big Omaha (a 2 day social networking event where I was surrounded with hundreds of people at all times) I needed to take an entire day to recharge. So, the day after I did nothing but consume mass quantities of tv. No thinking. No processing. No socializing. The longer I do this, the shorter the recharge time has gotten, but I know that I need this otherwise I will get to a point where I shut down for long periods of time, which I can’t afford to happen. Understand that you need this.
I don’t think I will ever be a true extrovert. I think I will always enjoy being on the edges of the crowd more then being in the crowd. And that is okay, as long as I don’t ever go back to my moment and relive that ever again.